Body language is an important part of communication — it makes up at least half of our message. If you wish to communicate well, then it makes sense to understand how you can (and cannot) use your body to say what you mean.
Hard to believe? Mute your television sometime and see how easy it is to figure out what’s going on. Rent an old silent movie. Sometimes the subtitles belie the real story. Play poker with a novice if you want to learn how important body language is.
Does that mean we can just stop talking? Of course not.
But consider this: According to the Houston Chronicle, verbal content in a speech accounts for 7 percent of communication’s impact. Voice tone is responsible for 37 percent. Body language — a 56 percent effect.
The ability to read between people’s words is a skill that you’ll need for the rest of your life. Even when you’re silent, your body is sending signals about your mood and inner thoughts.
Body language is a hot topic on the news right now, owing to the interest in the presidential campaign. So I decided to check in on the current research. Experts are analyzing every move the political candidates make, from shoulder shrugs to blinking. Hand movements, posture, even the tilt of the head are dead giveaways for the underlying message.
John Gottman, a relationship expert and author of “The Relationship Cure” (Three Rivers Press, 2002), says, “An open posture — in which you sit with your arms relaxed, your legs slightly apart and your body tilted a little forward toward your conversation partner — gives the message that you respect this person and you want to offer your full attention. Adopt this position and you communicate that you’re open to influence; you’re available for interaction.”
On the other hand, crossing of the arms seems to be a worldwide body-language symbol of defensiveness, according to communication and negotiation experts Gerald Nierenberg and Henry Calero in “How to Read a Person Like a Book” (Barnes & Noble, 2004). Often, when people cross their arms during a conversation, it can indicate that they have withdrawn from communicating and are locked into their position. While you can’t always assume that someone’s body language indicates exactly what he or she is thinking, you can use it as a signal to pay attention to your own communication.
When you are engaged in conversation with someone and they cross their arms, do a mental checklist. Are you communicating in ways that are causing the person to shut down or feel defensive? Be honest with yourself, and do what you can to get the person to relax and open up again. Your goal should be to get the person communicating with you again. Think of the times when you have crossed your arms. When did you do it? Did it mean anything?
To gain the trust of a customer or co-worker, body-language expert Robert C. Brenner offers the following advice to help ensure that your body and your mouth are saying the same things:
Shake on it. When extending your hand to shake, keep your palm facing upward, suggesting honesty and sincerity.
Keep your hands where they can be seen. Shoving your hands into your pockets make you look secretive and suggests hidden agendas.
Here’s the steeple. Pressing the fingertips of one hand against the other (steepling) conveys confidence.
The rules are a little different when working abroad or dealing with visitors from overseas. It pays to know a bit about how they interpret everyday sign language.
Roger Axtell, author of “Gestures: The Do’s and Taboos of Body Language Around the World” (Wiley, 1997), gives this example. The “OK” sign (thumb and forefinger forming a circle with the other three fingers extended) you flash to a colleague to show approval means different things around the globe. A Frenchman could interpret it to mean that you think he’s a complete zero, while a Japanese guest might think that you’re asking for money. Worst of all, a colleague from Latin America might think you’re calling him a part of the anatomy that is generally considered insulting. (Richard Nixon once set off an international furor by flashing this sign on a trip to South America.) So be careful not only of what you say but also of what you do.
All theory aside, though, what are the practical applications of using body language to influence your own attitude? Let’s look at a typical example of your body language when you’re feeling really depressed or unhappy. It might look something like this:
Negative facial expression
Head down
Avoid eye contact with others
Slumped shoulders
Shuffling or dragging feet
Okay, let’s look at a typical example of your body language when you’re feeling really confident and happy. It might look something like this:
Neutral or positive facial expression
Head up
Frequent eye contact with others
Shoulders back and body upright
A light or even a bit bouncy step
If these lists don’t describe your own individual non-verbal behaviors then feel free to adjust them as needed so they feel right for you.
Now comes the fun part. Adjust your body language so it matches your typical unhappy behaviors. Walk around the house that way for ten or fifteen minutes, or if you’re really brave, walk around the local mall or other public space that way. How do you feel? What do you notice about your attitude?
The next step is to adjust your body language so it matches your typical happy behaviors. Go through the same process as before, again noting how you feel and what you notice about your attitude.
What Happened?
Chances are you noticed just how much your attitude changed to match your body language, and this is exactly what is expected. It is also exactly why you can truly change your attitude anytime you want just by changing your body language.
Remember, just as your body language sends powerful messages to those around you it also sends powerful messages to your own brain, which in turn influences your attitude. Think of it as a form of self-talk; if you say positive things to yourself you’re more likely to start believing those positive things. The same holds true for your body language and what it says to you.
In addition to the effect of your own positive body language, you’ll also notice changes in your interactions with those around you. The more positive and welcoming your body language, the more you’ll find other people are pleasant with you in turn. This cycle continues over and over, with your attitude becoming better and better as the feedback you receive (from yourself and from others) improves.